Going back home

Im back up North as of Saturday night and its only Wednesday night and already Iv had more than a few run ins with my sister. I was kinda apprehensive about coming home cos this always happens. I start thinking of the past and then I get in fights with my sister and end up feeling as depressed as ever. My latest worry is am i forgettable? Or am i a rubbish friend? and do people have respect for me? Cos today, I mentioned I want to do a sky dive for charity and absolutely no one seemed to think I could do it or was capable of organising it. In fact they didnt seem in the least bit interested. This is my own family, I quite often feel like Iv drifted apart from them and I dont know where I fit anymore. I come home for holidays and I feel like Im a spare part. My best friend loves me, I know but sometimes I feel like an annoyance and when I come home Im forgotten. All this spare time leads me to dwell on my one hugely failed relationship that ended so badly I couldnt have created a worse ending in a story book. My whole room reminds me of him, and my question is how come he gets away thinking he's awesome and he's totally moved on and I get to be the one left in tears? I find it really hard coming home these days and organizing next year is totally stressing me because I want to get organized but I feel like Im hassling my best friend who Im moving in with but I need to get dates organised because mum and dad get mad otherwise. It feels like all the progress I make when Im at uni counts for nothing up here. I want to make mum and dad proud but I never feel good enough. Thats why I stress so much about getting every last detail right. Plus getting the balance right of seeing my parents and sister and study and keeping in touch with my friends and taking time for myself is hard. I worry so much some days I need sleeping tablets just so I can switch off enough to get some sleep. I wish so much that at least one person would have sounded genuinely enthusiastic about my fundraiser. I just want one person to have confidence in me. I can do it. Lol that must be the most depressive blog Iv written. Apologies to anyone who reads it. Had to be said though.